Learning to listen to my body

My body and I have a love/hate relationship. I spend most of my time trying to ignore it like a pesky neighbor that keeps hanging around bugging me and always trying to get my attention; which is ironic because I believe in a gospel that honors and respects bodies like the God-given gifts they are. Somehow I have talked myself into believing that the gift thing only applies to other peoples bodies. Last weekend I took my first yoga class ever. It was amazing. I sat in a quiet room, listened to mellow music, and just listened to my body. It's not so bad after all. Like all of us, it just wants to be loved. It wants to be my friend. It wants to be heard. So I am trying to get to know myself again. All of me, which includes my body. I am learning it is okay to take some time for me. I have learned that my body will run ragged and get sick if I do not honor it. I don't want that for my life anymore. I want to love myself and my body, for we are one.

Girls Weekend in Sedona

A friend of mine put together a girls weekend in Sedona, AZ this past weekend and it was amazing. She invited several other WoPAs besides myself and we all just enjoyed being real with each other. What is a WoPA you ask? Wife of a Porn Addict. I am married to a porn addict. Are you shocked? I certainly was. devastated is more like it. But I will get more into that in later posts. Several of the moms also had a child on the autism spectrum, so I was in the safest place I could be: with strong LDS woman, who have a love of God, married in the temple, betrayed by a spouses addiction, and understanding of a child with special needs. As great as it was to be with these women, it was great to just BE. I didn't have to look after anyone, or worry what people would think, or feel inadequate in any way. Compassion for others AND for myself is what I felt.

    Some of my friends have asked for the details of the retreat, I've included my journal entry below...

Friday night after driving many hours, we reached the red striped mountains of Sedona and arrived at a vacation property appropriately called Healing House. The first activity together was an intuitive art class. We picked the colors that spoke to us and used chalk pastels to dance across our paper. Listening to soft music, we just tried to express what our bodies and minds wanted to tell us. After finishing the drawings, we wrote what our artwork spoke to us.  I made a stormy sea that gradually fell in soft, graceful waves, the sky glowing with more light as the waves calmed to rest under the shade of a tree. I wrote on the back of the page:
          There is a darkness and chaos, but there is also light and peace. You can choose where you will dwell. Push through the pain and struggle and you will find rest and relaxation, renewal, and power in comfort, life-giving shade, and shelter. You have the power to become more than you are. Swim, float, fly to where you want to be. There is light along the way, but it is fleeting. Everlasting light is at the end of the struggle. Waves and wind will always be. You decide where you will dwell.

After class we went out to dinner... at a restaurant... with no high chairs. It was bliss. We chatted and laughed and told each other our stories. We stayed for a few hours. I ordered a trio of hummus appetizer.  My family does not eat hummus, but it is one of my favorite things that I never buy myself. I ordered a non-alcoholic ginger beer that was tangy and full of fizz and flavor. Gourmet pizza followed, and then I even splurged on dessert, a skillet brownie with coconut ice cream. I am the only one who likes coconut ice cream in my house. I felt pampered, lavished, indulged, and free to be who I really am in every way.
I slept peacefully that night, a rare occurrence for me. I was surrounded by pillows and felt cradled in a cloud, just as my spirit had been cradled that day.
Saturday morning I went on a short hike behind the house after my warm shower. The reds of the earth and green cactus spotted the rocky mountain side. The morning was quiet and mellow. A breakfast of fruit and pancakes filled my hungry stomach and I was ready to try my first restorative yoga class ever. Wow. How amazing it is to stop and listen to our bodies and minds. I never slow down so much and honor the needs of my body to stretch and bend and rest and just be still. After yoga and a fresh sandwich I was ready for a nap, again I slept deeply and restful. When I woke up I decided to soak in the hot tub and indulge in a massage, which I usually reserve for only my birthday. Another hike took me to incredible views and peaceful, quiet thoughts. Dinner was takeout from the delicious restaurant the night before followed by a discussion of grief and healing. In fact all day I had multiple conversations with the girls about our lives. I felt connected to something bigger than myself and I got to know myself better as I put into word my story...the things that I can tell no one for fear of judgement and/or ridicule. I realized that I had no control over others and that I wasn't meant to. That was Satan's plan, to control us. I realized that we have to be completely broken to turn our will completely to God. It is painful and hard and it is a long process, but it is doable.
This weekend I learned about me, and I learned about my heavenly family. These women are my sisters. Our husbands are sons of God. We have the power to do hard things and overcome the adversary.

We are already planning for a similar retreat next year, after all, can you ever be reminded of your worth and strength too much?